Ready4Rishi? Raiding the depths in search of integrity
Are you Ready4Rishi? Well, he suspected you might go as far back as December when he recorded the phrase for his campaign website.
To be exact, he initially registered readyforrishi.com, before refining it with that crucial brand-establishing ‘4’ – the white socks with disruptive messaging sliders on point.
Rishi, you see, had his finger on the pulse.
When the first pictures of Downing Street parties emerged, he could see the need for a national leader who appealed to the electorate’s sense of decency; a family man whose wife was happy to start paying taxes in the UK with the slightest nudge from the media; a patriot who hasn’t been a permanent resident of a foreign country since, my God, all the way back in October.
And he’s probably right. The word of the moment is “integrity”. We just have to have it, apparently.
Aspiring Tory leaders talk about it as Gen Z converts to Kate Bush, while Sir Chicken Korma frantically points to his 1985 vinyl Integrity, complete with a Certificate of Authenticity from Durham’s Chief Constable.
Ayn Rand-infected Mekon lookalike Sajid Javid got the ball rolling in his resignation speech.
The former health secretary, who recently apologized for accusing the British people of cowering against Covid, told the Commons he will ‘never risk losing his integrity’.
His audience of self-interested crooks immediately latched onto the possibilities of that phrase, relating to their own suddenly awkward proximity to the government.
The late Iain Banks once observed: “I’m not saying there aren’t decent people in the Conservative Party, but they’re like corn in a shit; technically they kept their integrity, but they’re still rooted in shit.
Of course, the usefulness of a word like “integrity” is that it is not quantifiable.
So, if you leave a criminal enterprise, you can do so intact claiming that you were only involved because of your sense of duty and loyalty.
In fact, these character traits are so overdeveloped that, you’ll admit, they could have blinded you to the moral turpitudes you are now alerted to.
You are, like Prince Andrew before you, “too honorable” to acknowledge appalling events, even firsthand.
Yet to move forward, isn’t that exactly what the country needs now? That’s why you’re announcing your intention to run in the next leadership election…
In the meantime, however, we can distract ourselves from the war with Russia and the incoming gas bills that make it profitable to set your house on fire, watching a disgraced Prime Minister run a government of people who really, really want to be ministers.
Andrea Jenkyns set the tone for this inspiring period in British history by giving the finger to the public outside Downing Street on Thursday and being appointed Under Secretary of State for Education on Friday.
Sir Robert Buckland’s selfless devotion to duty ensures that the Welsh Office will be led by a man who believes the self-sustaining economic potential of Wales is on par with ‘Albania or Moldova’
He does not rule out a candidacy to become Prime Minister, but for the moment he is too busy “thinking about values”.
His assessment of us seems pretty clear to us, but given that he represents an English seat, we won’t be able to match him at the polls.
whim and favor
There were times this week when Johnson looked like he could become Trump in his own right and reject representative democracy altogether.
He seemed to suggest that the Conservative majority was attributable to him alone, with MPs being relegated to courtiers who served as he pleased and in his favour.
During his no-resignation speech “let’s not rush, I’ll probably go but why not take a few months to think about it” on Thursday, the veil slipped on his conception of British democracy.
Looking to a future without himself at the helm, the Prime Minister conceded that “our brilliant, Darwinian system” will produce another leader.
And that, compatriots of the plebs, is at the heart of our misfortunes.
Our leaders don’t even to imagine that they are the receptacles of the values of the poor sabers who vote for them.
No, they believe that innate strength determines their high positions in society, and elections are just the playing field on which they demonstrate their prowess.
Johnson’s eventual downfall was sparked by the alleged sexual misconduct of the man who coordinated “Operation Save Big Dog.”‘ around the time Rishi started designing his website.
As the field gathers to contest the succession, we must be very careful not to leave the relief at the passing of one large mammal to the neutral scrutiny of the next.
Integrity is a good-sounding word; sovereignty too.
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